Food Magician

“Hey Megan” is back with another hysterical post. A post about a certain little food magician. A food magician that happens to be one of my very favorite little boys. If you are easily grossed out, proceed with caution. However, you should definitely proceed, because this kid is a riot.

This post is coming with a picture – a disgusting picture. 

Food Magician

I suggest you read the post and then come back and look at the picture, which will make you go “eww” and ask all sorts of questions like, “How did he do that?” and “How did she not see/smell/notice that?” Trust me, I know. My husband and I asked the same questions. Anyway, here’s the story about that gross picture.

Let me start by saying, I love my kids. I really, really do. I got one good eater out of my lot.  Literally, the youngest one. He is an AWESOME eater. To the point where it is actually alarming to watch him eat. But that’s it. He took all of the good-eating genes. The rest of my kids are TERRIBLE eaters. We almost never eat out because it is so not worth it. They just complain and then don’t eat. I enacted a “thank-you bite” program at my house (courtesy of my sister Brenya). That means that my kids have to take one “thank-you bite” of every side/vegetable and 5 “thank-you bites” of every main dish. There are some nights when my kids literally only eat 6 bites of food for dinner. (Did I mention they have my husband’s stubborn personality?) Now that I have painted that nice, rosy picture for you, let me talk about child number 3 – Jack.

Jack. I ADORE Jack. You cannot beat this kid’s personality. He LOVES being alive. Everything is fantastic to him. He is always happy and laughing. He looks up to everyone. But he hates food.  He hates food that is good for him. If I were to allow him a steady diet of cookies, candy, and ice cream, he would be totally fine. He tolerates cereal. He is required to finish his bagel and cream cheese at school. But dinner…Ugh. It is a battle. Now, Jack did not turn into a picky eater. I swear he was born this way. He was my most difficult child to nurse. He refused a bottle (and the pediatrician requested he take one bottle a day but even she gave up!). He literally turned orange during the baby food months because all he would swallow was carrots! He has always been a picky eater.

So, much to my surprise, one day about two and a half months ago, Jack became the champion eater. I mean champion. He finished faster than everyone, including his little brother (who, did I mention, could quite possibly be a professional eater?).  Not that I don’t trust my kids, but I did not trust him. He had suddenly become a food magician. I knew he was hiding that food somewhere. I mean finishing all of his steak in three minutes?? That was a three-day process in September! I checked toilets, garbage cans, the garage, everywhere! But found nothing. I watched him eat, but came up empty.

So, for Sunday dinner a few weeks ago we were having steak and corn on the cob. Jack gobbled up two ears of corn (the one out of two veggies he’ll eat – but just on the cob). He told me he was done and I looked at has plate and said, “Eat your steak”.  Thirty seconds later, he handed me an empty plate. Seriously?!? So I checked the table and on the floor I saw six pieces of steak. I told Jack to pick them up. The look on his face was sheer terror, which I couldn’t figure out. Then he handed me two pieces of steak. I asked, “Where is the rest of the steak?” (Meaning the other four pieces from the ground). Then Jack’s little brother – you know, the expert eater that watches EVERYTHING Jack does – piped in with, “Jack puts his food under the table, mom!” Click! My husband reached his hand under the table—in the little “pocket” where the table extender goes—and puled out two month’s worth of dinner.

Or at least the part of two-month’s worth of dinners that Jack refused to eat. So disgusting!!! 

Did it smell? Yes. Occasionally I would get a whiff so I would just clean out my fridge, my freezer, and my pantry.

Ants? Yep. But my pest control just kept coming back out. 

What did this food magician survive on? Apparently fruit and candy.

And that bagel at school . . . 

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